Writing Your Relationships-Autobiography Enables You To Develop A Successful Intimate Relationship

Why observe yourself “as if” you write your autobiography?
Writing one’s autobiography has become trendy. More and more people write their autobiographies, either using their own talent and “know how” or by having someone else interview them and write their life-story. They often do so in order to share the “history of their life” with family and friends. As they work on their autobiography they “look-back” at their life, remember the high points and contemplate their regrets, mistakes and whatever they have “missed”.
There is no reason to wait long to write your autobiography, do “the balance” of your life and leave something for others. If you feel that your intimate relationships experience more failures than successes, why not sit down to contemplate the reasons now and become able to change for the better? Since life is not a general play-rehearsal but the real thing, the earlier you take it upon yourself to observe, contemplate and write-down (either mentally or at the computer) the “autobiography” of your relationships, the earlier you will become able to change what needs change and become empowered to cultivate a successful intimacy.
Writing the “autobiography” of your relationships
Writing an autobiography is not only a creative process which helps you get in touch with yourself, but also means that you write in the first person. This is great since it requires that you focus on yourself and observe your interactions with your partner (or, in retrospect, with ex-ones).
It doesn’t mater how old or young you are and how many relationships you have had. What is important is that you pay attention and notice “trends” and “patterns” that repeat themselves throughout all your relationships. These will enable you to get a clear “picture” of whatever is going on in your relationships and understand what you need to change in order to be able to develop a successful relationship.
Focusing on yourself requires motivation and courage to doing so. You no longer look for “external reasons” to justify the failure of your relationships or for still being single (such as: you’re too busy at work; haven’t found “the right partner yet”, all previous partners had problems, and so on). Rather, you are in a position to consider the ways in which you might have sabotaged your relationships. It is very likely that you weren’t conscious of these until now. Observing yourself, paying attention to your relationships and writing your autobiography, enable you to become aware and to apply what you find out to improve you current relationship or succeed in future ones.
Where to begin observing yourself and “writing” your autobiography?
Those writing their autobiographies begin at different phases in their lives: some begin at the beginning, some at the end, some at a time which was most significant for them, and some at an episode which is most memorable.
As you begin to observe yourself (and “write” your autobiography), there is no pre-conceived order you need to begin with. There is also no need to censor yourself. No one will see what you observe and note – unless you want them to (and feel the need to share it with). Therefore, the more true and honest you will be with what you “write”, the better you’ll understand how you might have shot yourself in the foot in relationships and how to change.
What do you need to observe?
As you re-construct your relationships, you need to pay attention to a host of factors: your attitudes, thoughts, feelings, needs and fears, expectations and fantasies, reactions and behaviors.
Ask yourself questions such as:
* Are there any fears which drive you to behave on way or another (such as: fear of commitment, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, and so on)?
* Are there any needs which exert power over you (such as: the need for independence, the need to receive constant love and approval, the need for control, and so on)?
* What expectations and fantasies you have about partners and relationships? Are they realistic and can be fulfilled, or do they harm your relationships by causing frictions, arguments, disappointments?
* What are you attitudes towards your partners (and towards the other sex in general)? How do these attitudes being expressed in your reactions and behaviors?
* Do you repeat same reactions and behaviors throughout all your interactions, or can you consciously choose how to react and behave with your partners?
* And other questions based on your experiences and your perception of yourself.
What might you find out?
As you observe yourself and see patterns of behavior, you can begin to realize how your attitudes, thoughts, feelings, needs and fears, expectations and fantasies control and affect your reactions and behaviors.
You may find out that you are used to think, react and behave on automatic pilot in your relationships. That throughout all your interactions you exhibit same emotional and behavioral patterns. These have become your “mode of operation” and it is as if you have no power to choose to react and behave otherwise.
Or you might find out that you are driven by fears and needs which you can’t “get rid of”, which drive you to harm your relationships (such as: the fear of being alone; the fear of commitment; the need to receive endless love; the need to control your partner, and so on).
You might find out that you hang on to unrealistic expectations and fantasies about partners and relationships (such as: you expect them to always be there for you; to never go our with their friends; to always listen to you; and so on). You may realize that hanging on to such expectations and fantasies have caused conflicts, arguments, anger and disappointment throughout all your relationships.