No Berets, Please

Reality Check
In my sixty years I have read and known many poets. Many love to give that aura of an otherworldly soul, above the mundane, jaunty beret, scribbling in dark coffee bars. They need the mystique of the tortured soul and the holy grail of their words.
At my house the old poet sits at a computer, wearing mismatched pajamas and pillow hair. If you want to have a serious gig as a writer, get your head out of the clouds and tend to the realities.
A working writer spends serious hours and effort in perfecting their craft. Then comes the business of business. . . submitting work to whatever publications you have chosen. Editors received mass amounts of over the transom submissions (just means unasked for snail mail). Even those who accept e-submissions, and God ’em, every one, receive more submissions than they can process quickly.
Okay, here comes the reality check. It may be very romantic to envision a writer hunched over a little bound book, scribbling the next great piece of literature, but that’s in the world of fairy tales. A serious writer who wants to published has a hard job ahead of them. Just because you see yourself as the next Koontz or Plath, regardless of genre or literary quality, does not mean you are welcome to submit within your own little jumble of rules.
Take your angst, your cute beret and that “nobody understands me” long face, put them in a box labeled, “Won’t cut it, Jack” and store them away. You are but one of millions of writers/poets – all of whom are in competition for that golden prize, Publication, and it’s serious business. Face it, editors have thousands of manuscripts waiting at the tip of their fingers, all they have to do is pull one out like a plum out of a bushel basket.
These are Rules of Writing by someone who has been rejected, subjected to an editor’s vain condescension, been promised things that never happen and a realm of other ego-crushing sports.
1. Be professional – always. The editor is not your friend. You have friends, he has friends and what he wants from you is to do business with a writer who has some semblance of brain.
2. Keep records. This is a hard one for me, but necessary because an editor will blackball you until Satan shaves with an electric razor if you send simultaneous submissions, and forget where and he sees your work in another publication after he has just put yours to press.
3. BE HUMBLE. Ego is a very unattractive thing when carried to extremes. Don’t start off your cover letter with how lucky he is to have been blessed by receiving your “Pulitzer” winner. Neither should you start with saying you are sure you have no talent, but you felt compelled to send him your work. Be forthright, let him decide for himself (oh, or herself) what merit your work has. Head games are a waste of time. Put your work out there and let it stand as is. You are not a child whose Mommy praises everything he does.
4. Proofread, spell check, use decent paper if snail mailing. Your article, poem or story is going to be scrutinized by more than one person. Don’t let dumb mistakes catch you up. No writer ever catches every boo boo, but do your best to prevent them.
5. MIND YOUR MANNERS. This editor you have sent your work to is being gracious enough to look at your work. Treat him/her with the respect they deserve. Address editors by their surname until they ask you to do otherwise. In your cover letter – either snail mail or email, thank them in advance for their time in seeing your work. If you are accepted and published, send them a note of thanks. Just save the gushing and keep it short.
6. Do not contact editors every two days to ask if they have seen your work yet. That is totally unprofessional. Respect the time they say is what they need. You may be pacing and anxious, but you do not want to look like a novice or a nut case. He/she will get to it when they can. That’s the rules of the game.
If you receive a rejection, no whining and whimpering. It comes with the territory, and can be a learning tool for writers. I can now judge how my work stacked up by the way the rejection is presented. But, there are publishing houses who simply send out a copied slip with no info. If an editor gives comments or tips, send them a thank you for their help. It is better to be remembered as that kooky writer who sends thank you notes for rejections, than as that creep who cussed you out.
So get out those cute little bound notebooks if you must, or join me in my jamas bent over a hot keyboard. Either way, as they say, writers write!