Querying Agents Is Like Dating

Bear with me here, okay? Querying literary agents is a lot like dating and I’ll show you what I mean. First off, it’s like a blind date. You query and research an agent the same way you date. From the initial wary “Do you want to go out with me?” to the initial query to the promise of a first date or of the first chapter.
There are good dates and, of course, bad dates. Rejection and hopefulness. The same amount of ambiguity, the strong need to make a good impression, anxiety, and so many other things are involved in both dating and querying agents. Both experiences are equally nerve-wracking, and I think most people look forward to the day when they’re off the market in either case.
Querying Agent: You’ve bought Jeff Herman’s book, you’ve searched the web, and finally found an agent whose needs or current list fit your MS perfectly. You get excited.
Dating: You read his online profile, check out his picture. He sounds great and fits your list (Don’t try to deny it, we all have lists) perfectly. You get excited.
Querying Agent: You decide to contact the agent. You put together your brief query letter. It’s polished, polite, and the first impression of your manuscript, sure to hook the agent. You get nervous anticipation.
Dating: You decide to send him a “hello” and introduce yourself. You write a short email message. It’s witty, polite, and the first impression of you as a person, sure to hook the guy. You get nervous anticipation.
Querying Agent: Agent responds within a day or two with sincere interest. They want to read your work. Nervousness turns to hope!
Dating: Guy (or girl) responds within a day or two with a sincere interest in getting to know you. Emails fly back and forth then you decide to set up a date! Yea! Nervousness turns to hope!
Querying Agent: You may email back and forth then send them your masterpiece. Both you and the agent are eager to take this a step further. Agent lets you know they have received it and will get back to you in a few weeks. You tell yourself…This is it. This it. This could be it. Your future happiness is in their hands. You wait with breathless anticipation.
Dating: He asks you on a date. You meet and sparks fly. You’re both excited at the prospect of getting to know each other. This could turn into something important. Everything is perfect. You start to think, this could be the one! This is it. This it. This could be it. My future happiness is in their hands.
Querying Agent: You don’t check your email for a week or two. Then every hour. Then every time the freaking pop-up window says, you have a new email. You get butterflies in your stomach. You check it, its spam. Damn. Nothing. Not a word. Why haven’t they gotten back to you yet? You begin to get troubled, worried, and antsy.
Dating: You check your phone/email/text after 24 hours every 15 minutes. You get an email. Its spam. Your phone rings, you get butterflies in your stomach. It’s your mom. And then a text stating your bill is past due. Nothing. Why hasn’t he gotten back to you yet? You begin to get upset, worried, and antsy.
Query Agent: An email. Finally. You hold your breath. Your fingers tremble as you open it up. It’s a short but polite rejection. It doesn’t fit their current list. It needs to be tightened up. Couldn’t get into it. Another agent may feel differently. You still wonder why the agent didn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. Your shoulders slump, you heavily sigh. This sucks. You’re so disappointed. What went wrong? You wonder how you could fix or improve your novel.
Dating: He never calls. Two months pass and one day you run into him. You say awkward “hellos”. You still wonder why he never called, what you did wrong, why he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. You were so sure. Your shoulders slump, you heavily sigh. This sucks. You’re so disappointed. He rubs the back his neck and sheepishly says that he’s sorry he didn’t call but the sparks weren’t there for him. Well, that was obvious. Now.
You walk away, head held high. You can’t give up just yet. One day you’ll find the perfect match. For tomorrow is another day…